Somewhere along the way someone decided that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. I can see their point but when it comes to corresponding with a lover abroad, I believe less is more.

An obvious topic, I can hear you thinking. Of course long distance relationships suck, because you are away from your lover. Well riddle me this bitches, if we all know they are the worst, why do we keep doing it to ourselves?

Most couples I know have spent at least some time apart where there has been a ocean/ continent between them. You know living your life, not holding each other back and all the rest of that smack talk.

Since we can’t all be Jay-Z and Beyonce with personal jets and a sack of expendable income, that means a long time between loving. Or does it?

For all those who haven’t been in this situation before, you will definitely speak to your distant lover. You will private message them on Facebook, Tweet them, write long pointless emails about what you had for lunch and Skype like you’ve got nothing else to do with your life other than straddle timezones.

My point is, it is the very tools you thought would make slogging out an absent romance peachy, which make long distance relationships suck. Seriously.

Facebook

Oh great, what a fast easy way to keep in touch. I can even see photos of all their adventures. Wait, who is the girl/boy standing within one meter of my lover? WHO ARE THEY AND WHY ARE THEY SMILING!??! I’m going to comment passive aggressively and assert my position in their life. How totally sane and normal of me*.

Twitter

No one wants to be privy to your depressing Tweets (if you are the one left behind) and if you are adventuring- Istagraming every amazing meal is blatantly rubbing it in everyone’s faces. “Oh hey, see this extreme blue filter pic of the Croatian coastline as I lounge back with a beer and some exotic croatian fare”. Let’s be honest, no one likes a show off. The only reason anyone is following you anyway is because they thought you were mildly hilarious, don’t ruin their lives with your drivel.

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Email

Emailing a lover is similar to oral sex with a selfish partner. The ‘hey I’ve given it to you, so now you are obligated to give it to me’ situation, which ends inevitably in someone saying ‘YOURS WENT FOR LONGER’.

Email is excellent in moderation (more to talk about) however, describing the contents of your fridge will leave a sour taste in any readers mouth. “I miss you so much- OMG and then I had porridge but it was too cold, so then I warmed it, but then it was too hot so I…”

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Skype

Skype is the answer to every long distance relationship fear “don’t worry, we can totally Skype”. In some ways you are right. Skype dates start off fraught with passion and longing, which is great, until they become hours of your life wasted online because of international time differences.

At it’s best, Skype gives you cyber sex and the chance to see your lovers faces as they grow more tanned/hairy/dirty on their travels. At it’s worst you sit there staring at each other making conversation akin to Big Brother housemates, who’ve been chosen for their stupidity and perchance for drama.

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What I’m getting at here is that technology doesn’t make it easier to be apart from your loved one. When you use it in moderation with a sane mind it is a great way to keep in touch.

But chances are that when combined with longing, neediness and too many vodka cranberries these tools will unleash the psychopath within. Write that down.

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*I have made the generalisation that the people reading this will not be the type to post tragic status updates. If you are one of those people, know this. CEASE AND DESIST. EVERYONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK HATES YOUR STUPID TRAGIC STATUS UPDATES.

One thought on “Why Long Distance Relationships Suck

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